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[08 May 2008|02:40pm] |
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I miss having steady ground to walk on.
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[28 Jul 2005|10:53am] |
Does anyone have Gina Warrens number?
I either need that or a ride to the show tonight, can anyone help????
♥
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| "I Make My Bed I Lay In It, I Make My Bed I Die In It" |
[30 Nov 2003|12:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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FATA "Too Bad You're Beautiful" |
] |
What an odd day. I don't really feel like I'm living in myself right now, I'm being very thoughtful. Everything takes so much hesitation and planning that non of it is a random act of fun. Maybe this is just disappointing have to think so much.
I want to figure my brain out, because everything has just been too good lately. I've had everything handed to me on a golden platter, with no consequences either. I suppose I'm just waiting for all of that to come crashing down. What an odd thing to be waiting for, like an armegeddon to my social life.
<3
Kate*
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| "Suffocate On Eternal Bliss" |
[28 Nov 2003|08:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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optimistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Local Am "These Are The Times" |
] |
I'm such a happy kid. I've hardly been home lately, and when I have I've been incredibly upbeat. It seems like things are going my way, even in this shitty city the sight of the lit downtown trees makes me smile. Its fun to know I'm building all of these memories with wonderful people, and keeping a giant grin on my face behind a little giggle.
Rachel and I headed to the mall today to go christmas shopping and we ran into the whole population of vancovuer while there. I saw Kelly, who happens to have a crush on me (how can I get away from this one?), I saw Jared (uh oh), Tasha, Sam, Gustav and Asaio (yay), and there was more I just can't remember right now. We just walked around a lot, I got my mother the No Doubt number 1 singles or something like she asked for. Hehe my mood is so great right now.
I just called Bani to ask her a couple of questions, and the answers were just what I was hoping for. Oh what high hopes I'm getting, maybe I should calm down. I don't want to though.
I think I'd like to run around in the rain, kissing the sky and breathing this state all in. This is contentment. I can't really complain about much. My grades are high, my homeworks low, my friends are amazing, my lovelife is moving, and I'm taking all of the memories with me, through my camera.
I'm getting to understand Chris Kramer more, he is really an interesting guy. Very sweet too. I adore all of the Kramer boys, though Casey will always be top notch to the rest.
So Rachel and I saw two of the most trendy, beautiful guys today. One asian (you know they're my weakspot) and one in girls pants (oh lordy)! It was hard not to gawk, because boy they were neat to glance at.
I can't quit smiling, oh shesh I'm such a sucker.
<3
Kate*
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| "All I Want For Christmas Is You Baby" |
[23 Nov 2003|12:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Something Corporate "Fall" |
] |
I'm feeling very much in love with the world at this moment. It's all falling into the right place in my hand, and I'm carrying everything with great joy. Especially since this time, I have people to come along with me. I love the feeling that winter air brings. Like you have to fall in love, and its not so lonely if you realize how many things there are to fall in love with. Whatever, I'm just gonna breath it in with a big smile.
Its all so bizarre, this year its not bad. I have things to look forward to. I even have girlfriends, more then one. Its a weird feeling doing something every weekend and wanting to.
On friday we went to the vertigo and I met Ashton, who is so funny. It was a really good time just hanging out with him, he got me into Ultimate Fighting. Thats hard to do. He told me to come see him at Wes's the next day, so I had Kaitlyn come over and we watched their band practice. I was blown away by both of the guys talent, holy shit! They have such passion for it, its great. Bill is going to be the singer of the band so I want to see how that turns out. Then Kaitlyn and I came home and watched "batman" and goofed around. We spent the whole night talking about how we could never marry or be with any of our friends, because they're all perverted assholes. Hehe I don't think we fell asleep until like four.
I decided I like my hair and I like who I am, for now atleast. When winter blows away I'm sure the hate will reside.
Yes, I really am having fun this time around.
<3
Kate*
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| "Can I Sail Through The Changes Oceans Have? Can I Handle The Seasons Of My Life?" |
[16 Nov 2003|09:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Smashing Pumpkins "Landslide" |
] |
There is this daunting feeling that I'm making all of this up. When I think I am happy I will sit down and want to cry. Its all so familiar and played out. I could swear I was happy. I've tried and tried with no results and now I'm back to this town, this mood.
I've been faking it that I don't care. Best friends for 9 years, its impossible not to care. For me atleast. I know you're okay as he kisses away the you that was mine. I miss having you there when it was needed even though you're not needed much these days. I still have to see the absence of you everyday when we don't look at eachother. I have to hear the fake hellos when we're driving to school. I'm witinessing it all fading out and you nor I is trying to stop it. Lets just wave it goodbye and give a pretty little smile, gloss it with a tear, end it movie star style.
I wish I could stay devoid of attachment. That would mean no long, strung out, emotionally unfulfilling last sentiments. It leaves such an empty feeling it makes me feel sick. I wish this were me being dramatic, me being over emotional and making it all up because I've been home to long. Its not though. Its the truth. Which makes it the most bittersweet last words I could possibly give you.
Another awkward silence.
<3
Kate*
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| "How Do You Afford Your Rock N Roll Lifestyle?" |
[13 Nov 2003|11:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 silly |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Nirvana "Sliver" |
] |
MOD- In or characteristic of this unconventionally modern style.
Fashionably up-to-date, especially in style, design, or dress.
Chelsea maybe you were right.
I'm having fun with all of this. I don't have much to worry about this year, even on the worst days. Its just pointless to be sad when you know theres a good song waiting for you somewhere. Such a waist of emotion. Why are kids these days so sad? We all are, well were all spoiled. This whole emo thing, so fucking retarded. The days when no one knew about it and it wasn't the hip new thing, yeah that was great. Did you know that the world EMO is just used to as an acronym filler? So assholes, NONE OF US ARE EMO. Deal with it. Say you're fucking emotional, indie, a pussy for all I care. Call yourself emo in a musical (not emotional) term and I'll want to kick your ass. Being in an emo mood is fine, but there really is no certain emo music. All musical is emotional. Its all different when we're dealing with fashion. There is the emoXcore which goes into the scenes, basically the same as fashionXcore. This whole music, bought out hot topic thing is really greating my cheese. You want to look emo? Go to fucking value village dick.
I'm done ranting, almost. My next pet peeve is those people who can't get over the past. They hate you because you've managed to evolve and grow while they're holding these misconceptions they've had of you. They get jealous because of the things you do and the people you hang around with. Well grow up baby, we ain't doin it so you can stare back at us in hatred. Join in or shut the fuck up.
Despite what it seems, my mood is quite delightful. It seemed like a bad day but everything is keeping me happy now.
I get to wear my new levis tomorrow! EEK! You will all also see my hair, I'm going to do it and not cover it up with that hat. Even though Asios hat was real cute. My dog ate a part of the feather off. Hehe oops.
Sadie Hawkins is coming up, I really don't want to go. I have a feeling Leslie and Meghan will be roping me into this one as well though. They're both going for court, and want to go single. As a three-O. I don't wanna.
Yeah Yeah Yeah, I'm diggin this now.
"Shake it like a polaroid picture" - Bryan
<3
Kate*
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| "I Really Love Your Hair Do. Yeah, I'm Glad You Like Mine Too See We're Lookin Pretty Cool" |
[13 Nov 2003|12:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
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pleased |
] |
| [ |
music |
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AFI - God Called In Sick Today |
] |
Do You Dig? I got a new hair cut, its radfab. I'm enjoying all the shortness of it, but I'm pissed because I can't go blond. The color isn't going to fully dye out so I have to wait it out. This will slowly drive me insane. Atleast I have hair to work with. POOR BANI! Oh hun I love you and I will help murder those bastards that did that to you and their family. You sure have great bangs though <3
I actually had a really kickass day. School went by pretty quickly, then my mom took me to get my hair cut. Those appointments are always fun with Michael. After that we went to get some jeans, and I got some cute Levis and a killer skirt that was like 80% off the original price. I may be addicted to the clothes at fred meyers though, holy shit they are so cute. So spendy though. I'm not into paying 30 dollars for a shirt. No, that shit just don't fly.
I've completely become swallowed up by the world of style. Its everything that goes with it, the music for the scene, the look and the cost, the hair and the make up, the outrageous mixed with the childishly simple. Why is there so many things I can't have? Granted I don't need them all, but this is a hobby. One I may just never get over.
Lately my musical taste has been all over this "alternative scene" we've got happening. I'm really loving the from autumn to ashes, anatomy of a ghost, against me, the postal service, the living end, the rouge, the sounds, tsunami bomb, pink floyd. I don't think it could range much more from that. It gives my soundtrack to life a little more attitude though. Nothing worth complaining about.
You are so pretty. I hate that you hate me. I see you in the hall and want to talk to you about all of the neat things in the world, but you don't want that. So I guess it'd just be a waste of time.
Do You Dig?
<3
Kate*
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| "Suicidal Dreams" |
[11 Nov 2003|10:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 scared |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Suicidal Dreams" Silverchair |
] |
I had a dream where I killed myself, on purpose. I'm becomming fixated with death again. Theres no reason for it, but it always seems like such a close option.
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| "Its Hardcore Honey" |
[09 Nov 2003|10:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nerdy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Against Me - Impact! |
] |
Its fun to be me. I feel like I'm living in a scene, except every weekend there is a new soundtrack. The same people rockin their different versions of style, all talking about how one day we are going to make it out of this town. Some of us are half way there. I love it every weekend, no matter how bad of a mood I seem to be in. Just find me okay? I'll always have my camera around.
He seems innocent huh?
Asaio is so cute.
Rachel being pretty in red.
Bill like whoa.
The lead singer of anatomy of a ghost
Yeah thats all I want to show right now. The show was pretty amazing, and the people are always worthwhile. At the very end the Kramer boys showed up, (by the way what is up with there random appearances?) so Rachel and I hung out with Casey. I said Hi to Chris and I didn't even get to see Cory. Oh well. Bani didn't stay around to long, but I love her to death. Shes got the lifestyle I can be jealous of. Sadly Loren also showed up, with her best cheerleader pal Maddie. I know I'm not the only one who has problems with Loren, I asked her where her palm palms where. She didn't get it. Just because she uglified a perfectly good leather jacket with bands she probably has never heard, and studs she bought at hot topic, does not mean shes punk. Or because she'll take a swig of vodka, does not mean shes hardcore. She can kiss my ass.
After the show Rachel and I went to my house and watched Toy Story 2. Yeah thats right. It was fun, then we stayed up and talked until we both passed out.
We followed that up by being lazy and hangin out around here today, we also spent about 4 hours workin on pins. It sounds boring, but it wasn't. It was actually really spiffy. I made pins of I Love the 80's, The rouge, Le tigre, and, "Like A Lady" from the sounds. It took us awhile to remember how to use the damn thing. It all worked out well in the end.
I missed friday and I get tuesday off from school. This is going to be good. I also have a hair appointment on wednesday (I'm going blond) and some sort of doc appointment on friday. I think I'm getting new pants sometime this week as well. Hehe. Plus we should all wish me goodluck in getting shirts to make some stencils. I'm feeling creative (yay)!
Wow this is long, so I'll stop it here.
Laterdayz,
<3
Kate*
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| "And Then You Grabbed Me Tightly. I Won't Let Go." |
[08 Nov 2003|01:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Movielife "how can you face me" |
] |
Space and distance are two different things. I need my space, you're not here because of distance. What is this with needing you here and pushing everything else away? Maybe I am losing it, maybe I've already lost you. All I want is to press pause to the world around me, and scream until my voice breaks. Then there would be silence. I could collapse and break down, then the world would feel better.
I talked with her on the phone for a long time today.
"Best friends means I pulled the trigger, best friends means you got what you deserved." Best friends forever right?
"You left the frays from the ties you severed when you said best friends means friends forever."
I remember in 5th grade we had best friend necklaces. Little flowers that were different colors, you had "best" and I had "friends." Then in seventh grade it was the dice bracelets. You had black and I had red. Thats when we talked everynight, its been so long since back then. I told you today I miss it all. You listened and said "I'm not going to argue with you." I told you every reason why hes horrible. You said "we'll be back together tomorrow." I said, "we sit two people away at lunch and don't even talk to eachother." You replied, "I'm not going to disagree with you," and I said, "because you can't. There is nothing to disagree about. I'm right." You said "sure." I said "I'm tired of having to schedule appointments to be able to see you, you are with him everyday at school, after school, and on the phone if you're not with him." You said "yes." I said "I stopped calling you a long time ago." You said, "I've been calling you more." I told you "congratulations for calling me three times in the last month." Then there was silence. You said "yes."
We left it at that.
You're probably all thinking, "thats not worth crying over." But thats the bleak description I'm willing to share with all of you. Not every private detail of our once amazing friendship.
I guess this is my reality. I'm left to pick up the pieces of what we both know will never work out. To bad I'm the only one who wants to place them back together.
"Our last chance to be best friends until we say goodbye. I'll try to see you when the weather clears."
<3
Kate*
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| "Were Gonna Start a Riot" |
[06 Nov 2003|03:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Local Am "Shes So Lofi" |
] |
Most aspects of where I am now are going well, except you're not here. I'm not going to hold that against you though. On second thoughts, maybe I should.
Lets just keep this short, things are good without you.
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| "Shes Such A Tramp, Hes Just A Ho" |
[01 Nov 2003|07:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 devious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Bangs "Shes such a tramp" |
] |
I am giddy with delight to scream to the world now that I can understand why everyone hates BOTH OF YOU. God, it feels so good to take everything I've learned from you and know its a bunch of shit. Bill, you're a bunch of shit. I looked up to you and believed what you said, I thought you of all people would never go back on your words. Thats why I hate you. Cait, I hate you for the simple fact that you're the worlds biggest vagina. Free access. Not to mention the shit you to do hurt people. It seems like you'll go any length. Oh I'm sorry, that's your pussy!! I'm so happy now you guys, thank you for bringing me this joy. See you around mother fuckers. Oh yea, a song just for the new old romance reunited.
“Love Sick Hypocrite of the Worst Kind”
It’s hard to get high
When your town brings you down
The people are Hicks
The girls get around
They spread their legs
You get a disease
Should have been suspicious
When she said she was free
Chorus:
Now you’ve got HIV
The girl you fucked is a whore,
You’re just another Townie
Who was lookin to score
That’s what you get
For pretending so long
Go to your band
And write your new song
A vision of real punk
Because eating vomit is cool
Now you’re with your ex
I thought you hated that girl
It’s easy to talk smack
She’s easy to do
You’re mouth has been busy
But her boyfriends has too
We believed you at first
Gave some good face
But now your penis
Has found a wide-open space
(Wide! Open! Space!)
Chorus:
Now you’ve got HIV
The girl you fucked is a whore,
You’re just another Townie
Who was lookin to score
That’s what you get
For pretending so long
Go to your band
And write your new song
Thank you and goodnight.
<3
Kate*
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| "I Don't Think You Know What You're Missing" |
[01 Nov 2003|12:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Your Own Disaster" TBS |
] |
We all know I thought tonight was going to be great. Well now we all know I was wrong. What a shit for an evening. TALK ABOUT HYPOCRITICAL. Don't you hate it when someone gets mad at you for who you associate with, then they end up making out with them at shows? I do. Especially if that includes breaking your other friends heart. Oh shesh. I should write soap operas. Then there was poor Spencer, who is completely adorable. Stupid Loren, who treats Spencer like her slave. Don't get me wrong, shes okay. But have some damn compassion for your own fucking boyfriend.
Tonight wasn't a complete waste, there was Scrotum, who is to cute. Then I got to be asian and be chris, which is all good since hes one hot mofo. I helped Evan stay on his feet, Corrina not die, and even got punched in the face in the mosh pit. All over though, I wouldn't repeat tonight if you paid me.
<3
Kate*
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| "Don't Say Your Innocent To Soon" |
[29 Oct 2003|10:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Scary Kids Scaring Kids "Bulletproof" |
] |
I don't want to think about you to hard, because I'm scared if I do I'll lose you forever. Like maybe one day I'll wake up and find out you were just something I had made up all along. Then reality would set in and I'd miss the thoughts of us and never knowing what might be. You seem so worth every smile I make for you.
I stayed home from school today, on account of me being sick. I woke up real late today. It wasn't as good as it sounded. I slept with my dogs on the couch and watched shitty tv shows for a good hour or two. I'm relaxed now though, until tomorrow and I'm back in those halls again.
Atleast I have friday to look forward to. The show should be amazing, are you kidding me? I don't think theres a way it could be wrong. Some of the people I'm not to excited about seeing outside of school, but oh well I just won't pay attention. Bani and I were supposed to go shopping before hand to get some shirts and make them cute, but oh well. I'm sick, I can't be blamed. I'm hoping after the show we can get a group to go to Sharis. Whatever ends up happening it will be fun.
I hate walking around this town late at night. It makes me think about being stuck here, and how I need out. I need away. Theres so much potential for living if I could just escape. Escape velocity. Escape time. Escape this reality that you've set for me. Sometimes I want to paint this town dirty in my thoughts and watch it dissolve into a figment of my mind. Hoping it was never real and where I am is happy. Maybe with you or maybe alone. Growing up. Changing. Evolving. Living here isn't letting me. Small town mentality isn't making it easier.
Whats the deal with local news? I hate it. They bull shit around what is really the issue and did you know that worldwide news used to hold 75% of airtime when now its only 5%. How pathetic. How are we supposed to stay educated when we can't get around that. Theres always CNN but jesus I hate that channel.
I guess nothing is worth knowing anymore.
<3
Kate*
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| "Home, Is This A Quiet Place Where You Should Be Alone" |
[27 Oct 2003|09:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Something Corporate "Space" |
] |
If you want something bad enough, is it worth risking something good? Right now in my life there are so many subjects this question applies to.
Then theres you. You're so on and off that I don't even know where to start. I feel like I should write you guys an epic novel telling you everything inside me that I've never screamed outloud. I won't do that though.
As for now, this is the end of my relationship with Erin. I am truely done trying to talk to her. I've told her it all before, and she knows how I feel.
I don't want you to know about this, so nevermind.
"Don't fear death. Fear the unlived life."
<3
Kate*
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thoughtful